From Love to Ugh: League Match Tonight

Haters, I've got a USTA League match tonight. Only lima beans provoke a greater gag reflex.

Put me in a tennis clinic for 5 hours at noon in the Florida heat, and I am happy. But tell me I am playing "for real" and I find myself thinking of ways to pull my own hamstring.

I doff my flop sweat-stained cap to the pros who put themselves through this every week.

Pippa's Backhand -- and Backside -- Makes Daily News Swoon

Pippa and Nico are tight-lipped about their doubles strategy. Photo: Daily News

Here's what gives weight to the New York Daily News' claim that it has the best sports page in the city: it featured tennis in yesterday's edition.

Granted, Haters, it wasn't news about the current ATP tournament in Halle or the WTA Wimbledon warm-up at Birmingham.  That would only happen if favorite punching bags Tim Tebow or Alex Rodriguez were in the stands.  

No, it was a page 13 photo of Brit Pippa Middleton, sis of Princess Kate, and her boyfriend, Nico Jackson, in a post-tennis embrace in London, one that involved mutual bum-grabbing.

Glad to see Pippa is getting in the spirit of the upcoming Wimbledon tournament, with her all-white outfit.

As for actual tennis NEWS, French tennis acrobat Gael Monfis says he won't be playing at Wimbledon.  He said he withdrew his request for a wild card because he had to deal with a personal problem.  He did not elaborate.  

Monfis is in the quarterfinals at the Gerry Weber Open, as is Roger Feder, Mikhail Youzhny and German wild card Mischa Zverev.

As for the women at the Aegon Classic, try saying these quarterfinalists' names three times, fast: Kirsten Flipkens, Magdalena Rybarikova, Sorana Cirstea and Francesca Schiavone.  So much easier to pronounce Laura Robson and Heather Watson, but the British gals were eliminated.

Butthead: Bernard Tomic's Dad Suspended After Alleged Head-Butt of Partner

Haters, there's plenty of tennis action going on in Madrid -- Federer returns after 8 weeks off, Djokovic is upset in Madrid by #28 Grigor Dmitrov, newly-minted Guiness World Record-holder Anabel Medina Garrigues halts Madison Keys' run  -- but it's the tennis hate off court that has drawn me to the keyboard.

Crying over unspilt milk: Thomas Drouet says John Tomic head-butted him. Courtesy AFP/Getty Images.

John Tomic, father and coach of Aussie up-and-comer Bernard Tomic, has been barred from future ATP tournaments pending the outcome of an inquiry into whether he assaulted the 20-year-old's hitting partner, Thomas Drouet, last Saturday outside a Madrid hotel.

Drouet says Tomic head-butted him in the nose, breaking it, in an argument that began when Drouet refused to buy milk for the Tomics prior to their flight to Spain for the Mutua Madrid Open.

Tomic, the Herald Sun's "Poster Boy of the Mad Tennis Parents Club,"is claiming it was in self-defense.

It seems the head is a favored target of Coach Tomic.  According to the New York Times, Drouet told the French sports paper, L'Equipe, that Tomic punched his son in the head during a training session, hard enough that Bernie's mouth was bleeding.  

“All that because Bernard had told him that he had had enough of hearing his criticism. I didn’t intervene as I have read I did other places. Afterward, John took Bernard’s three rackets and destroyed them. Bam. Bam. Bam. A half hour later, he was joking with Bernard."

Ha, ha, my boy, better the Yonex than you.  

Sadly, the apple hasn't fallen very far from the tree.  Bernie has had his own I Hate Tennis moments, most notably when he was accused of tanking in a lackluster US Open loss last year to Andy Roddick.  He got surly with a reporter from Reuters and said, darkly, "I'll remember you." 

Maybe this is why I haven't seen any quotations yet from Bernie.  Reporters are too busy ordering face masks first.

Tomic needs a new coach.  Currently 53rd in the world, he was as high as 27th last June.  His 2013 season has been spotty.  He won his first ATP Tour title in Sydney last January, but has played little, and done little, since then, except rack up a notably I Hate Tennis moment: Tomic failed to convert 5 match points against Jo-Wilfried Tsonga in Marseille.  

Monte Carlo: Djokovic Will Try to Stop Nadal's 9th Straight Title

The excitement around a Rafael Nadal-Roger Federer final feels so five years ago.  The match-up generating words like "blockbuster" is the one on Sunday at Monte Carlo between Nadal and world number one Novak Djokovic.

He huffed and puffed and blew Tsonga's surge down. Rafa and his "champion luck" escape a 3rd set against Tsonga. Courtesy Getty Images.

It will be their 34th meeting (Nadal leads 19-14) and a re-match of last year's final, which Nadal won handily in straight sets.  

Fed and Nadal have played fewer matches, just 29, but they're the stuff of awe and history.  Nineteen of those matches were finals, including the epic, twice-rain delayed 2008 Wimbledon championship match that Nadal won in the dark.  

But those legendary Rafa-Rog moments appear to be waning.

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Evidence of Tennis Hate #35

 Why is no one playing? It's MALIBU. People don't work for a living.An empty tennis court is a thing of beauty for New York City players, who have to resort to curious rituals and chicanery to secure even an hour's worth g of beautyof playing time on the city's cheap but unplentiful public courts.  But in Malibu, California, home of the #10-ranked Pepperdine University men's tennis team, an empty tennis court is cause for tears.  Especially one as beautiful as this one, set inside a jungle of bouganvillia and strelizia.